I Thought It Was Love

I did some reflecting today on some of the things that sometimes feel like love, but aren’t:

  • Being “chosen”, or “winning” the affection of a partner who is taking (sometimes extended) time to decide on his feelings between you and someone else.
  • Intensity: because they wouldn’t be upset about things if their feelings weren’t hurt, and their feelings wouldn’t be hurt if they didn’t care about me, right? It means he’s really in-touch with his FEELINGS, right? He told me he loves me on our 3rd date and expected to move in after being together for 1 month because he loves me and he knows I’m the one, right? Wrong.
  • Proximity: sometimes when something feels familiar and is accessible in our day-to-day lives, we develop feelings even if it’s a partner we wouldn’t otherwise choose.
  • Unavailability: It’s easy to fantasize about someone who is unavailable, either because of distance, emotional unavailability, or committed to another relationship. By choosing an unavailable person as a love object, you won’t have to face your own fears of commitment and intimacy. You won’t have to face the fact that your partner is a real person with their own wants and needs, and annoying habits, because you subconsciously know the relationship will never get there.
  • Loneliness/ Attachment: if you like the fact that you’re with someone more than you like the person you’re with and/or you are terrified of being alone, it may be clouding your perception of if this is the right partner for you.
  • On/Off, Hot/Cold, Push/Pull Dynamics: do they love me, do they not? It’s not love you’re feeling, but emotional addiction to a pattern of inconsistent attention and affection. It will hold your attention, but ultimately won’t bring you a high quality love relationship.
  • Projection: Do you really love this person and all the amazing qualities they have? Or are you just afraid to claim these qualities in yourself and projecting these qualities on to them.
  • Relief at a reconciliation: When you’re just so happy that they’ve stopped being angry with you/ignoring you, etc. and are treating you like they love you again, sometimes its easy to confuse this with loving them, but it’s just relief. Don’t underestimate how powerful this one is as it can trap people in toxic dynamics.
  • Wanting to fix or help someone become the amazing person you KNOW is in there but they are just having trouble seeing it themselves.
  • Butterflies: it’s not a magical sign that you’ve met the right person, this can just mean your wounding has been triggered.

These things all can feel like love, unless we know better. Sometimes these patterns feel more real than anything you’ve felt before, with ecstatic highs (and crushing lows). But really these are just someone’s behavior activating our own core wounding, which is why it can feel so familiar and so intense.

Healthy love feels calm. Healthy love creates a safe and stable foundation to build and explore physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual connection together. It’s clear about it’s interest and intentions, it mutually respects boundaries and is self aware enough to effectively communicate needs and feelings openly. Healthy love comes from knowing you are inherently worthy and seeing other people the same way.

Sweeteners: A Healthy Pantry

To kick off my mini-series on the contents of my Healthy Pantry, I’m going to focus on sugar and sweeteners. One of the FIRST things I’d recommend any of my clients and followers to do is evaluate their relationship with sugar.

I’m going to caveat this post and say that included in this post are details of what I do that works for me. Please take this information and experiment for yourself to find what works for you. I do get a bit cheeky in some of my comments below, but I totally understand and support that different things work for different people!

If you are wanting to change your relationship with sugar, I’m so excited for you!

Addressing sugar is your diet is hard. It’s not just you. If you are struggling with sugar, please do not interpret it as something “wrong” with you or your ability to make healthy decisions. You are up against some serious considerations that make your body seem to work against you, and I’ll tell you what they are:

  • Sugar changes your sense of taste. When you are used to high amounts of sugar in your diet, foods will lower amounts of sugar taste bland and even bitter. When you try to reduce sugar in your diet, this can make you feel like you’re “giving up” foods that taste good and those thoughts and experiences can interfere with your progress unless you know that this is the reason why. Not to worry, once you’re off sugar and sweeteners, your taste buds can “reset” to prefer normal levels of sweetness. Yes, even the sweetness in fruits and vegetables can be satisfying!
  • Sugar feeds the Candida (yeast) in your gut. Candida is a normal part of our microbiome, but when we have been eating high levels of sugar (or have taken an antibiotic or birth control), there’s a chance we could have an overgrowth of this yeast. If you get frequent yeast infections, skin/nail fungus, eczema, or oral thrush, it might be a sign of an overgrowth of candida. These candida send chemical signals to your body that make you crave more sugar. Please read that again because I think this is fascinating: Candida releases a chemical that makes you crave sugar, altering your thoughts and behavior to consume more sugar.
  • Eating sugar activates the reward centers of our brain and releases dopamine, which reinforces further sugar consumption, but eventually higher and higher amounts of sugar are required to get the same pleasurable result. This also makes it likely for us to use sugar to self soothe during times of emotional difficulty, stress, etc. If we don’t have other strategies to deal with our emotions, it can be challenging to alter our behaviors around sugar.

These reasons make coming off sugar a literal detox with physical, mental, and emotional symptoms you may experience. You might have flu-like symptoms as candida dies off in your body. You might experience mood swings and the chemicals in your brain recalibrate. You may experience intrusive thoughts about different types of sweets that you’d like to eat. It takes about 2 weeks for the initial recalibration to occur, with some symptoms lasting up to 6 weeks after removing sugar from your diet.

After I completed this detox process, I found I don’t crave sugar, sweets, candy at all like I used to. I don’t need it in my morning cup of herbal tea, it tastes great on it’s own. When my mom stays the weekend and I make her a cup of my tea, she doesn’t like it because she says it’s too bitter — she hasn’t yet chosen to reduce sugar from her diet. In fact, when I do have sugar now, I don’t even like it. It’s too sweet, I feel horrible afterward, I’m wired and then I crash. I’ve also noticed that I get a sore throat and UTIs when I’ve eaten more sugar than usual. Like so many things in life, when the impact sugar has on your body remains unexamined, you think the symptoms created by sugar are just normal.

This is really the key to behavior change. You can achieve a healthy lifestyle when you realize that the choice that makes you feel best is the healthy choice. Normally, I advocate following a diet that “feels good” to you, but in this case it takes some time to recalibrate what that is for you. You have to experience what healthy and satisfied feel like. You have to separate out the experience of “feeling good” by caving to social pressures and emotional drives. So, some of my suggestions below may sound boring and limited to someone who doesn’t thing normal levels of sweetness taste good — but this is my point! You have to recalibrate what is normal.

Most people know that hi-fructose corn syrup (GMO fructose and glucose) and white sugar (sucrose from sugar cane or GMO sugar beets) are not good for us, but I still see many behaviors that don’t reflect a clear understanding of sugar. Here are some of my thoughts on sugar below:

  1. Artificial sweeteners: I avoid these, with the exception of Stevia which I’ll choose very occasionally if I’m out of the house and don’t have any other options. There is a lot of information out there about the impact that artificial sweeteners have on our bodies if you’re curious about this. I also feel that the “0 calories” argument for why some people choose artificial sweetener is really misguided. Labels can be tricky sometimes and say “0 Sugar” but still contain artificial sweetener. Honestly, I would choose a drink or product sweetened with cane sugar over any artificial sweetener.
  2. Fruit Juices: I get a headache just thinking about a glass of orange juice. One 8 oz glass of orange juice contains 24g/6tsp of sugar which is your entire daily recommended amount of sugar. But more importantly, how do you feel after drinking orange or apple juice? Do you feel like you need a nap a few hours later? I know I do. Fruit juices have so much sugar and have no fiber content like whole fruit to slow down the absorption of those sugars. Frankly, I’d rather choose to spend my “sugar credits” on an awesome muffin than “waste” it drinking fruit juice and thinking I made a healthy choice.
  3. Hidden Sources of Sugar: store bought sauces, drinks, baked goods, deli meats, alternative/plant milks, etc. can all have added sugar. You have to look at the labels and find brands that you like and trust.
  4. “Healthy” Sugars: We seem to know that hi-fructose corn syrup is bad for us, but somehow other sugar sources have been able to maintain their branding as “healthy” (looking at you Maple Syrup and Honey) even though it’s still sugar. You’ll see these listed below as something I keep in the house, but I’m not fooled into thinking it’s somehow ‘less’ sugar impact on my body than other sources. I still limit the amount that I include in my diet.
  5. Carbs Are Sugar: Carbohydrates eventually are broken down into sugar, so it’s important to choose complex carbs like sweet potatoes and other vegetables that take longer to be digested instead of simple carbs like bread and pasta.

Here are some comments on the sweets and sweeteners I have in my pantry today and about how often I am using them:

  • Fruit (daily): I have at least two pieces of fruit a day, and not because I’m “trying to be healthy”. I love the taste and I feel good when I include fruit in my diet. I like blueberries, strawberries, or a banana in the morning, and an apple, orange, or bunch of grapes with lunch. Pears and plums are so sweet when I find them in season. I also love mango but I get contact dermatitis from the skin so I haven’t bought it recently. To be fair, the grapes are high glycemic and might not be a good choice if you are working to eliminate sugar for a medical reason- stick to blueberries.
  • Vegetables (daily): Sweet Potatoes are so good and so easy to bake whole in the oven. I just add butter or coconut oil, cinnamon and enjoy. No added sugar needed. Other sweet vegetables I enjoy for sweetness are roasted summer squash, roasted eggplant, raw or roasted carrots.
  • Local Raw Honey (1 tsp a few times a week): I usually pick up a large jar in the spring and in the fall from a local farmer at a Farmers market. I use honey when I make sweet tea, but I actually don’t use it daily in my herbal teas. I’ll also drizzle this over peanut butter and banana toast or oatmeal in the mornings. Honey is also useful to have when I or my husband have seasonal allergies (add to nettle tea in the spring) or a dry irritated throat.
  • Maple Syrup (monthly): I keep this for the occasional pancake breakfast, and to add to coffee, which I have very rarely.
  • Light Agave Syrup (monthly): So to be honest this one really isn’t much better than white sugar. The only benefit in my mind is that agave is not a genetically modified food like some sources of white sugar. I use this one pretty sparingly for sweet tea or matcha if my honey is crystalized.
  • Granulated Coconut Sugar (monthly): I use this in baking when sugar is called for so the chemistry of the baking works, but I don’t want it to be so sweet. When I made banana bread for the first time, the recipe called for 3/4 cup of white sugar and I was like no way am I going to put this amount of sugar into one loaf pan of bread! It put me off of baking until my sister-in-law recommended I try coconut sugar. It’s still sugar, so it’s not something I eat regularly, but it contains some trace minerals, and inulin which may help to slow the absorption and not raise blood sugar so quickly when eaten.
  • Coconut Oil (daily): I’ll mention this in a different post when I get to oils, but I wanted to add it here because coconut oil can impart a sweet flavor to sauces instead of adding sugar to a dal or marinara sauce. We have also used it to reverse sear steak because it is safe at high temperatures and it brings out an awesome sweet flavor without having to use sugar in the marinade or dry rub.
  • Cinnamon (daily): I use cinnamon a lot to make my food fit a sweeter profile without adding sugar or sweetener. Sweet potatoes are an obvious application, but I also use it in smoothies, oatmeal, rice, dal, chicken soup…honestly I put it in everything and it’s my secret ingredient for making complex flavor in almost any dish. Cinnamon is one of those really incredible spices that is warming and also moistening, which is why it is so nice in the cold, dry months of the year.
  • Chocolate (daily): I actually do get cravings for chocolate. I like chocolate that is sugar and dairy free. I also have raw cacao (not cocoa) powder that I add to smoothies and make “hot chocolate” with. It’s really important, if you are someone like me that gets chocolate cravings, to increase the amount of magnesium in your diet!
  • Peppermint Herbal Tea (daily): if you’re transitioning to herbal teas without sugar or sweetener, I highly recommend using peppermint tea as it has a naturally sweet flavor.
  • White Granulated Sugar (basically never): Okay, I actually do have this in my pantry but I only use it to make hummingbird food. It’s really important not to use sugar substitutes for hummingbird food. This is a good way to use up any leftover white sugar in your pantry!

Okay, this ended up being a lot more information that I originally intended to share! Let me know in the comments if you’ve thought about reducing the sugar in your diet, or if you’ve already changed your diet, what additional tips you would share!

If you’re thinking about reducing sugar and are struggling or would like some support, consider working with me one on one with coaching. You can sign up for a free introductory consultation using the link below!

Thanks and stay tuned for the next post in this series — Oils!

The Fall Equinox – An Invitation to Ritual

Happy Fall Equinox!

I happen to be posting this within the hour of the actual equinox. It is officially fall here in the northern hemisphere.

I find fall a challenging season, the waning light is beginning to be noticeable in the the afternoons and the harvesting of fresh vegetables from the garden has mostly passed. I also find it exciting, as I look forward to warming foods and sunny days with low humidity.

Energetically, this period between the fall equinox and Samhain is about beginning to turn inward, reaping the results of what you have worked toward this year, looking back at your efforts, expressing gratitude for what you were able to accomplish, accepting and letting go (for now) of what you were not able to accomplish.

There can be some anxiety that occurs as the days become shorter. There can be disappointment or excitement as we take stock of what we have accomplished. For some of us who love this season particularly, there is looking forward to special meals with friends and family.

To help with the transition into the seasons, I find it important to take time to reflect on the change in seasons, the changes in our bodies, feelings, and environments that may accompany the seasonal shift, and to perform some sort of ritual to welcome in the new season.

A ritual is a beautiful way of acknowledging and honoring the shifting seasons. For those of you who are not accustomed to using the language “ritual”, these are psychologically powerful, intentional behaviors that create awareness around the chosen activity. This can be anything from creating art, singing a song, arranging flowers, taking a walk, or cooking a meal. The point is that these activities are chosen and performed in a way that is aligned with the intention to honor the experience of moving into the autumn season.

My chosen ritual this week was baking spiced banana bread and hearty pot of chicken soup. The warming spices and rich homemade bone broth felt comforting to me and aligned with my feeling perception that autumn is here. I love cinnamon in particular, for the fact that it is both warming and moistening, which is uncommon. I also have plans to make some spiced milk tea from fresh spices I have been collecting over the past few months. I have fresh cinnamon bark, whole nutmeg, and cardamom pods that I am excited to use in preparation for those first colder nights.

I’d like to invite you to reflect on what ritual might be appropriate for you this week, to acknowledge the shift in seasons. Perhaps it’s refreshing the decorations around your house, pulling the box of sweaters and jackets out of the back of your closet, spending a few hours cleaning and organizing, or choosing your favorite bulbs to plant over the winter and spending some time outside, giving friends a gift of apple cider, or meditating on gratitude. What ever you choose, be sure to do it mindfully, with intention and care. Take this time for yourself to breathe and reflect.

I have provided a journal prompt to help you reflect on the year. For those who would like to take a deeper dive into their inner experience, consider these prompts in a quiet, private place which is free of distraction. I would recommend including reflection and exploration of these prompts as part of your ritual activity.

Remember Who You Are

You have forgotten who you are, and so forgotten me. Look inside yourself. You are more than what you have become. You must take your place in the Circle of Life. Remember who you are. You are my son, and the one true King. Remember who you are. Remember.

The Lion King. (1994).

Hear these words differently than you’ve heard them before. If you listen without the previous concepts of what you think it means or meant, it points to something beautiful and true. It is the part of you that is knowing speaking to the part of you that has forgotten. This message is for you; and it is true for everyone. You need do nothing except remember who you are. You have forgotten who you are, and the only goal worth pursuing is to know thyself. You are more than what you have become.

You are love, peace, and joy. The truth of your identity cannot be adequately put into words, so without experiencing it directly you can open your mind to this experience by understanding what you are not.

Your identity extends beyond the events of your life, your body, your emotional experiences, and your thoughts. You are all of these things, and yet none of these things.

The power is not in understanding this conceptually, but in the worldview shift that is a result of seeing from this perspective. Imagine how your everyday experience changes when you filter your life through this lens? I can guarantee it will change how you treat the events in your life, other people, your body, and the earth.

Who are you? You will likely arrive at the wrong answer to this question. But each time you genuinely ask it, a little more of what is untrue will fall away, your answer will become a little more refined. Your experience of the world will tell you if you are on the right track. The knot will unravel a little further until one day the rest unravels all at once and you see what was there all along.

We are not the creators of truth. As one of my teachers says, “you don’t have access to your own source code”. You can’t mess things up. You can’t delete something important or add something inappropriate, you’re just running the software. Which program are you running? The one that knows or the one that appears to have forgotten? We are each pulling the formless into form. I ask every day that I may be the clearest vessel for expression of what is real and beautiful and good. There is nothing else. There is nothing else to do and it is such a relief. Remember.

What diet is best for me?

Your needs are unique, and depend on your constitution, age, gender, activity levels.

Shift your mindset from trying to find the “best” diet (gently release the need to be right here!), and focus on what works for you. A healthy diet (read: the foods we eat) is a lifestyle, not a set of rules you follow.

This doesnt mean we ignore science, or conventional wisdom about fresh vegetables, healthy fats, water, quality protien, etc. These concepts can guide you on where to start experimenting.

But it does mean that without a connection to your body, and understanding of what works for you, you won’t be making optimal choices. How do you feel when you choose to eat a particular food; how does your body respond? Is it delicious? Does it taste great, but you are low on energy the rest of the day? Does your belly feel tender or painful after particular foods? Are you rushing to the bathroom after mealtimes? Keep in mind a lot of the symptoms we consider to be normal are actually signs from your body that you need to take a closer look at your choices!

Once you have a baseline experience for what health FEELS LIKE in your body, the healthy choices become easier and easier to make. You don’t miss foods because you don’t miss feeling sick/tired. Your taste buds prefer water over sugary drinks. Health becomes a lifestyle!

Living Your Best Life

It doesn’t make the challenges disappear, but dealing with the challenges can become easier when we are fully resourced. Imagine what your ‘best life’ would look like. How would you feel? What kinds of things would you do day-to-day that you can actually incorporate NOW, that look and feel like your best life? These can be tiny!

– a cup of herbal tea in the morning
– listening to a podcast on a subject you find inspiring/stimulating
– getting some early morning sunshine on your face
– lighting some incense
– eating a meal that makes you feel great
– playing with a pet

Allow yourself to feel grateful and proud of yourself for anything you are able to do today to take care of yourself. Even if some days this means ‘just’ getting out of bed.

If you’re ready to level up, consider these highly impactful activities:

-a walk outside
– a yoga flow
– some light breathwork

These activities will help you work with your mind, your nervous system, and your lung capacity — all critical to health and healing. Youtube has some great (free!) guided yoga and breathwork, and in the future I am considering sharing some of my own practices here.

I have found that when I’m in a negative cycle, it can be hard for me to remember to do these activities! So, I recommend pre-planning. I keep a list of the activities I know help me connect with joy and contentment present in each moment. I can pull this list out when I need a reminder.

These aren’t just “fluffy feel good” activities in the watered down version of “self care” I’m sure we are all tired of. There are real psychological and physiological reasons these things help to center us in tough times, and I look forward to exploring this more in future posts!

On Fighting Monsters

To say I don’t love everything I read from Nietzsche would be an understatement. Ignoring some of his more tone deaf quotes, I found Nietzsche’s nihilism a useful philosophy, but only as a stepping stone, a stop along the journey to other more useful and more complete ways of seeing the world. This quote, however, still speaks to me as something profound.

Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

Freidrich Nietzsche, Jenseits von Gut und Böse (1886) ch. 4, no. 146

There are those that would be willing to kill in the name of ending murder. There are those that would take away the rights of others in order to secure their own rights. Don’t become the monster you are trying to fight. Opposing violence is not the same as creating peace. Using the tactics of those you believe are causing harm will not leave you unchanged–the abyss stares back.

This is important to keep in mind during this time of working for change in our world. We forget that identifying with a fixed mental position creates the opposing polarity. Relax. When you see others as yourself, the right action is natural and easy.

Calling in the Wild Women – New Moon Circles

Are you interested in connecting to your authentic self? Do you consider yourself “spiritual” or at least open minded? Have you found yourself on a journey of self discovery and personal growth? If so, I’m calling you in to attend our next New Moon Circle!

Through history, women have gathered together to connect, share their experiences, learn from each other. We were more aware of our lives being guided by nature, the cycles of the seasons, our bodies, and the moon.

Today, women gather less often and less deeply, and it’s become less acceptable to be fully “wild” (read: authentic, natural, vulnerable, honest) in the world and with each other.

Now is the time to reintegrate these natural cycles into our lives. I’ve seen a renewed interest in gathering women together–circles are forming all over the world. We learn so much about ourselves just by witnessing another woman in her most authentic self. It is my personal belief that these kinds of circles are where real, positive change for ourselves and for the world will be born–through women connecting and remembering how to love our selves and each other, and how to be authentic to our experiences.

To create this opportunity for reconnection to ourselves and each other, I am now facilitating Moon Circles which are held during the new moon each month. This time is an opportunity to slow down, check in with your self, and to set intentions for the upcoming month.

During each Moon Circle, we will gather together for guided meditation and visualization, to encourage reflection and connection to your own internal guidance. You will have an opportunity to share from your heart, if you feel called to. It is powerfully life affirming to be witnessed and supported by others as our authentic selves.

I lead these circles from a shamanic and personal spirituality perspective which is relevant to all who attend, and you are welcome regardless of your religious/spiritual affiliation.

This is an official circle of The Wild Woman Project and you can visit their website for more information on the themes we use in our Moon Circles, or visit my Circle Leader Bio on their page.

This is a safe space, and is open to all who identify as women.

Due to the pandemic, I am currently co-hosting circles online through Zoom with Elaine Marie, a dear friend who is also a Moon Circle facilitator. You are welcome to attend no matter where you live. We have women who join us from all over the US and a few international women too!

If this resonates with you, I would love to have you join us for an upcoming Moon Circle!