I did some reflecting today on some of the things that sometimes feel like love, but aren’t:
- Being “chosen”, or “winning” the affection of a partner who is taking (sometimes extended) time to decide on his feelings between you and someone else.
- Intensity: because they wouldn’t be upset about things if their feelings weren’t hurt, and their feelings wouldn’t be hurt if they didn’t care about me, right? It means he’s really in-touch with his FEELINGS, right? He told me he loves me on our 3rd date and expected to move in after being together for 1 month because he loves me and he knows I’m the one, right? Wrong.
- Proximity: sometimes when something feels familiar and is accessible in our day-to-day lives, we develop feelings even if it’s a partner we wouldn’t otherwise choose.
- Unavailability: It’s easy to fantasize about someone who is unavailable, either because of distance, emotional unavailability, or committed to another relationship. By choosing an unavailable person as a love object, you won’t have to face your own fears of commitment and intimacy. You won’t have to face the fact that your partner is a real person with their own wants and needs, and annoying habits, because you subconsciously know the relationship will never get there.
- Loneliness/ Attachment: if you like the fact that you’re with someone more than you like the person you’re with and/or you are terrified of being alone, it may be clouding your perception of if this is the right partner for you.
- On/Off, Hot/Cold, Push/Pull Dynamics: do they love me, do they not? It’s not love you’re feeling, but emotional addiction to a pattern of inconsistent attention and affection. It will hold your attention, but ultimately won’t bring you a high quality love relationship.
- Projection: Do you really love this person and all the amazing qualities they have? Or are you just afraid to claim these qualities in yourself and projecting these qualities on to them.
- Relief at a reconciliation: When you’re just so happy that they’ve stopped being angry with you/ignoring you, etc. and are treating you like they love you again, sometimes its easy to confuse this with loving them, but it’s just relief. Don’t underestimate how powerful this one is as it can trap people in toxic dynamics.
- Wanting to fix or help someone become the amazing person you KNOW is in there but they are just having trouble seeing it themselves.
- Butterflies: it’s not a magical sign that you’ve met the right person, this can just mean your wounding has been triggered.
These things all can feel like love, unless we know better. Sometimes these patterns feel more real than anything you’ve felt before, with ecstatic highs (and crushing lows). But really these are just someone’s behavior activating our own core wounding, which is why it can feel so familiar and so intense.
Healthy love feels calm. Healthy love creates a safe and stable foundation to build and explore physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual connection together. It’s clear about it’s interest and intentions, it mutually respects boundaries and is self aware enough to effectively communicate needs and feelings openly. Healthy love comes from knowing you are inherently worthy and seeing other people the same way.
Inner Clarity Wellness and Coaching 